“It’s possible to make a self-sustaining city on Mars by 2050, if we start in 5 years & take 10 orbital synchronizations,” Musk tweeted last Monday. What he didn’t say is how he was going to do it. Since we here at AnalogWheels are in the business of investigative investigationalism, here are the particulars.
He (meaning Mr. Musky, his own bad self) went on to discuss in an interview with TechnoHatter magazine, “I want to create a community which is highly technological in nature which at the same time brings to Mars an old school vibe.” he said, adding “We want the Martian production facilities to manufacture the Tesla RED models, which is our martian overland vehicle line specifically adapted to the harsh climate there.”
“I thought it was funny that this 1950’s playground for the rich turned red (communist), and the planet we’re building on is called the Red Planet” -Elon M.
He further stated that he has directed his design team, “to style the vehicles so as to evoke the 1950’s era of American cars by utilizing lots of chrome, large bumpers and trim, as well as tail fins.” At the same time, he suggested that he wants his initial project, a small prototype city “Muskville” to play on the “Red” theme, by re-creating a modern Havana, Cuba. “I thought it was funny that this 1950’s playground for the rich turned red (communist), and the planet we’re building on is called the Red Planet”
said Musk after taking several bong hits on the Joe Rogan podcast, “so I thought, why not bring back the glory days for Boomers who can still remember it. After all, they’re the ones who we are trying to attract to buy into the good life on Mars. See, you can have your red and enjoy it too.”
Indeed. Baby Boomers are the demographic to be most amenable to relocating off-planet. What, with cable TV programming deteriorating at a rapid pace, newspaper becoming good for little more than lining birdcages, and neighborhoods, restaurants and airplanes being crowded with more and more of those “damn kids”, the big blue marble is becoming less and less attractive by the minute.
The fact that many of the post World War II’s generation were able to create substantial wealth also positions them to be in the sweet spot for interplanetary real estate acquisition…and of course the new Tesla Red Rover 1, Tesla Red “Phobos”, and Tesla Red “Deimos” (the latter two named after the moons of the 4thplanet from the sun).
Speaking on the matter of rolling out construction for the infrastructure of Muskville, the SpaceX entrepreneur said, “I have decided to take a highly aggressive and ambitious approach to mass construction projects. We have taken a piece of the pristine martian landscape which is a sort of blank slate, a tabula rubore so to speak, and by using existing satellite mapping technology, we are able to generate a reasonably accurate layout of the city of Havana at a 1:1 scale.”
“We think that once people get a taste of our products on our…er…the newly colonized planet, there will be no going back.”
But wait, it gets better. By using his proprietary MuskSoft™ technology, he claims that he can take that mapped imagery which includes every building, street, tree, stray dog, street vendor, and 1956 Chevrolet Bel-Air and project it via hologram on the empty landscape. Offhandedly he commented to the TechnoHatter crew, “Then we will build the structures around the holograms according to how they would have appeared in the early 1950’s.” All this using entropy regression software his new company Ageless E-Tech, Inc. has developed.
But when the significant question arose as to how to get construction materials to the great red orb, Musk replied “We are going to begin natural resources extraction with SpaceX’s extra-terrestrial construction division SpaceEXtra Terraforming. I say that we keep Big Red (his name for Mars) green. So we think intergalactically, and act locally.
Musk’s vision to have a major self-sustaining city, which for now is going by the name “Elonopolis” up in running in 30 years is quite the ambitious project. In order to build all the necessary infrastructure in such a short span of time, he has started a new company PlanetMusk, LLC to create the hardware required to 3-D print everything right on site, using available materials.
Further, those individuals who are the initial inhabitants of Muskville will be the prototype society for the larger 2050 project. To ensure that inhabitants have no problems with utilizing recycled human waste as the substrate for growing crops under large domes, double-blind studies will be developed to determine whether there are any long term health, psychological, or behavioral difficulties that arise. In other words they will serve as a sort of space guinea pig to be studied so that we can scale up effectively and rapidly for the larger projects to come.
But no worries, this initial Muskville project will have all of the attractions and distractions of mid-20thcentury Havana, with focus on restaurants, night club entertainment (rat pack style), and plenty of soothing alcoholic beverages.
Musk ensured interviewers that his new company, Big Red Beverages, Inc. Will begin producing a wide range of beers, wines, and distilled spirits strictly for export by tanker to Mars by 2023. Just in time to slake the thirst of the many investors clamoring to stake their claim in the red soil.
“We think that once people get a taste of our products on our…er…the newly colonized planet, there will be no going back, and not just because we haven’t planned to schedule return flights back to earth” laughed Musk. “We believe it will be, well, an offer you can’t refuse.”
The hits just keep on coming for this dynamic billionaire, and everyone is anxiously awaiting with their checkbooks open for the pre-sale announcement of the first downtown Muskville condos. Once the party gets going in this off-planet Havana, there’s no stopping him from creating the Elonopolis of his dreams. “Dude, Elonopolis will be the Tokyo that Tokyo wishes it could be.” says Musk as he draws another deep hit off of a joint, “It’s going to be badass, Broseph.”
Happy April Fools day!